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A mom talks to her son about his dirty dishes unwashed in the sink. A father punishes his daughter for talking back and not being respectful. A step mother bites her tongue as her step-daughter curses at her. A step father tells his wife how she ought to punish her son for not calling when he was out past curfew. Why would these parents, who are trying so hard at blending families, do what they do towards their birth children and step children? How do parents learn how to parent their kids, let alone someone else’s children? In every case, behavior is a result of a person’s beliefs.

And yet not very many parents know where their beliefs about the way they parent come from. For lots of parents, the way they parent is a result of how they were parented. The majority of beliefs about parenting are actually formed beginning at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These beliefs are so ingrained, and so much a part of a person’s make-up, that they are very unconscious and not very easily accessed.

By knowing what your beliefs are about parenting and how those thoughts originated, you get to discover whether or not your beliefs are accurate. Kids have a magical thinking process and often make beliefs about the world that relate to their way of thinking, and those beliefs are not necessarily based on correct information. Adults find themselves reacting to parenting situations in ways they never imagined they would, and they are often not aware of what is actually running them underneath their reactions.

Talk is Cheap – Take Action

If you’re trying your best at blending families, take action towards pinning down your childhood conclusions about parenting by scheduling some uninterrupted, solitary time together as a couple. Or, if you don’t have a partner at this time, choose to do this with another single parent to get some collective support and benefit. Determine who will start sharing and who will put forward the questions. Be prepared to alternate roles half-way through so that each of you gets the same amount of time to share.

Ask curious questions about each other’s pre-adolescent years. Determine who the primary parental figures were for each of you. Learn about how each of you was parented and what worked for you and what you wished had been otherwise. Explore the potential conclusions you made about parenting as a result of how you were parented. Be engaged and interested in what your partner has to say.

Blending step families can be hard. This practice can make it less difficult for you to be successful.